How The World Ended: The Recipe and Guide

Step 1: Earthquake! Humans die!

Step 2: Earthquake cause volcanoes to be alive again!'

Step 3: Volcanoes poops! Humans die!

Step 4: Lava heats the earth, ice on north and south pole melts!

Step 5: Floods! Humans die!

Step 6: Islands sink. Humans die!

Step 7: Survivors migrate to other countries.

Step 8: Food supplies dropped, countries overcrowded with humans. Infections! Humans die!

Step 9: Ice melts, waters rises, lands lessen. Humans die!

Step 10: Yellowstone volcano burst! The world is in darkness from the ash, and fire falls from heaven! DIEEEE!

Step 11: Temperature drops from sunless earth. Ice Age begins! Freeze to death!

Step 12: Human population 2,320,323

Step 13: Sucides! Human population 2.

Step 14: Coincidentally named Adum and Eva.

Step 15: Breeding begins. A new hope arises!

Step 16: Pregnant! Hope is good!

Step 17: But alas, two sons.

Step 18: --------------------

Wing Chun

So I've been learning Wing Chun for more than half a year now. But wait, you don't know what is Wing Chun?

Wing Chun is a very unique and scientific form of martial arts. Wing Chun is a style of Kung Fu that originates from China, the martial art was later refined in Hong Kong. Wing Chun's specialty is in close contact combat, using quick punches and kicks with a tight defence, coordinated through agile stances and footwork for a quick advance. The effectiveness of Wing Chun is achieved by well coordinated attacks with simultaneous defence and vise versa. Due to its effectiveness this martial art makes for an effective form of self defence.

Copy pasted without permission from my Sigung's website.

Anyway, throughout my journey is the Wing Chun world, I've learnt many things that I've have previously not learn before.

For example, I learn that the more relax your arms are, the faster and harder your punches are. And in Wing Chun, you're weaker arm is the stronger one. Strange eh? It's because we rarely use to do heavy duty using our weaker arm, so in return it is much relaxed. And like I said, the more relax your arm, the faster and harder you hit.

In martial arts, footwork is everything. Without footwork, you're totally useless, and the that is the hardest to master. And I dare say, compare to Karate or Taekwondo, Wing Chun's footwork is really hard to master and it feels really awkward in the beginning.

Because Wing Chun is well known to be founded by a woman, many people think that our training isn't as tough as "hard" arts, like Muay Thai and such. But you should, see how your fists and arms and feet look like after one day of training.

And contrary to those who watch all the Ip Man movies, the chain-punch isn't the main strength of Wing Chun. We don't go straight towards to opponent and start chain punching like a retarded monkey.

But enough of all this, any more of such thing can be founded in alot of other Wing Chun websites.

On my next Wing Chun post, I will tell you what is actually going on in a private one on one class.

Now here's a picture of Donnie Yen as Ip Man just to make reading this post worthwhile.

A Guide To Sleep Paralysis 101

Hullo, this is a guide to having your own exciting sleep paralysis(SP). What is SP you ask?

THIS.

Basically, you're paralyzed in your half-sleep half-awake moment, and as hard as you try wake up or call out to your roommate who is adding random girls on Facebook, you can't cause you're not fully asleep/awake and also cause you're paralyzed? Yes?

Some people associate this incident with demonic attack or being pressed by spirits or ghosts. I totally don't blame them cause when you're have SP, you can't move, but you are awake. You hear buzzing sounds in your ear, its kinda freaky (I once got sound of electronic sounds, which really made me pee). You feel like there's someone (or a group of people/beings) watching you. And you feel fear. Like seriously the panicky kinda fear. Like when you're alone in the toilet and you see huge winged cockroach at the door and you can't leave.

PS: I however believe in the existence of Demons and their insane power to possess humans, so if you do get SP all the time and it's affecting your life. Please consult your pastors. Cereally.

Ok ok. If you want more info on how other cultures or religions view on this go Google it yerself.

Straight to the point.

1. Sleep late, wake up early.

2. Try to do something to keep you awake. Like reading a book? Play a game?

3. Do until you get really sleepy. (You can skip all that if you're feeling sleepy and want a nap)

4. Take a nap.

5. Set alarm around 1 hour from the time you're napping.

6. Alarm rings, wake up shut it.

7. By this time, you should be like half awake/asleep.

8. Sleep facing upwards. Or supine position.

Learn some english mannn.

9. OK this is very important. Just when you're about the drift off to sleep. Move your eyes upwards. Basically like your trying to look at your brain. With your eyes closed of course.

10. If you done correctedly:

a) You'll first "pop" into a semi dream land. It's like you dunno whether your eye is close or open, but you can see your surroundings. Everything will be the same as where you're having your nap just alot grainier. However if you're seeing a different world, congrats, you've teleported. And I dunno how to get you back.

b) You'll hear voices in your ear. Buzzing its the most common. Music sometimes. If you hear voices.....er.. Anyway, any of those are really scary.

c) Next you'll realize that you're paralyze except your eyeballs. You can try moving your fingers though. It'll move a little.

d) You feel like you're being watched. And filled with fear.

e) Definitely get panic.

f) Experiment with the moment, if the panic haven't overcome you yet. Try to pull your body up. HAHA. TRY!!!

g) Trying too hard will cause your soul to lift from your body and you become a ghost... Just kidding. I've tried that. Never left my body.

So how? You wanna leave semi-funexcitingcrazyfreakyhorrorland? Aww, so soon.

This is how to wake up or fall asleep deeper.

To wake up. Stay calm, shut your eyes, and move your head. Or arms and limbs. Once moved you will snap out of it. Doesn't work on fingers and toes.

To fall asleep. Shut your eyes and clear your mind. Then you will sleep. And when you wake up. You will think that having a SP is a dream and it didn't actually happen to you. Which kinda sucks after all you've been thru.

What? What did you say? I'm making this up?

Fine lo. Believe whatever you want. But my success rate of having SP following those steps is a 100%. Not jesting. Either my methods really work.. or my house is haunted. hehehe.

Caution: The feeling of fear will be really real. Considered yourself warned. And practice at your own risk. I won't take responsibility if you're stuck in SP forever.

Essay: Aku Sebatang Pencil

Aku sebatang pencil yang bernama Staedtler. Ini gambarku yang hensem.

Aku bermodal 2B yang lebih hebat daripada yang HB. HB memang modal bodoh. Tak guna langsung. Ink HB memanglah lemah sekali. Macam ketut lemah.

Anyways, aku dilahirkan di kilang misteri. Selepas aku dilahirkan, aku sebenarnya botak. Kemudian kejadian ini terjadi:

Dan kepalaku berambut satu.

Kemudian, saya dan kawan-kawan atau adik beradik saya diletakkan ke dalam kotak then dihantar ke kedai jualan alat-alat tulis dan dipamerkan seperti monyet dalam circus. Teruk betui kami dipicit, dipergunakan tetapi tiada yang ingin membeli kita. Terasa pulak seperti diperkosakan.

Huhuhu, cakap kelakar aje. Why so serious?

Selama setahun saya berada di kedai itu, dan pada masa itu, saya telah mendapat ramai kawan yang unik dan yang berbeza personaliti.

Ada pembaris yang bersikap lurus. Ada pemadam yang suka pemadam emosinya. Dan kebanyakkan adalah pen yang beraneka warna.

Dalam masa setahun ini, saya telah terjatuh cinta kepada sebatang pen yang cantik. Ini gambar cinta saya.

Oh cantik betui!

Jantungku berdebar-debar setiap kali ku memandang Papermate. Tetapi aku sebatang pencil yang permalu. Jadi tidak pernahku meluahkan isi hatiku kepada cintaku.

"Kau ini penakut", kata pembaris.

"Kau ini tak guna, makan tahi la", kata pembaris.

"...", kata pemadam. Tak dapat baca kerana dipadam olehnya.

"Aku takut kena reject pulak", kata saya.

"Tak cuba mana boleh tahu?", kata pembaris.

".............", kata pamadam.

"Oh", kataku.

"Ok lah. Aku akan confess dan kahwini Papermate esok", kataku lagi dengan bersemangat.

"...?", kata pemadam.

"?", kata saya.

"Kenapa kena tunggu sampai esok? Kamu ini tak ada bola",kata pembaris.

"Saya kena fikirkan kata-kata yang hebat dan seksi untuk mengikat hatinya! Tau tak?", kataku.

Jadi saya pun berfikir selama 8 jam 21 minit. Kerana pencil tak boleh tidur pun. Heh heh. Kelakar betul.

Walaubagaimanapun, saya telah bersedia untuk meluahkan hati Papermate dengan kata kata ini.

"Wahai Papermate merah yang cantik. Kamu telah memikat hati ku walaupun saya tiada hati. Tetapi telah ada hati setelah nampak kamu. Itulah kehebatan cinta ku pada mu. Hebat sehingga tiada hati pun boleh ada hati. Gila betul"

Hebatkan? Ok, aku sudah bersedia.

Hari pagi pun tiba. Dengan harapan yang baru. Aku rasa pada akhir hari ini, aku akan menjadi pencil yang paling gembira di selurah dunia ini! Yeah!

Semasa aku hendak pergi jumpai Papermate, seorang manusia telah mengambilnya dan meletaknya di atas cashier counter.

Aku melihat dengan mata yang penuh dengan air mata, cinta pertama dan terakhirku yang di bawa keluar dalam plastic bag.

1. Experiences of Arley Macbeth

In the year 2005, I took my skills in toilet bowl making, and proceeded to Delhi to go through the course prescribed for possessional ToiletMAN (Toilet Mending And Networking). Having completed my studies there, I was duly attached to a certain Hotel as Assistant ToiletMAN. The hotel was located in India at the time, and I, being young with a passion for hard work and toilet bowls, work myself up to Head of The International ToiletMAN. Meaning, I could retired in the year 2010 and receive quite a sum of money into my bank account monthly.

In the year 2011, I went back to my hometown in Penang with neither kith nor kin, and was therefore as free as air -- or as free as an income of RM100 a day will permit a man to be. There, I stayed for some time at a private hotel in the Batu Ferigghi, leading a comfortless, meaningless existence, and spending such money as I had, considerably more freely than I ought. So alarming did the state of my finances become, that I soon realized that I must make a complete alteration in my style of living. I began by making up my mind to leave the hotel, and to take up my quarters in some less pretentious and less expensive domicile.

On the very day that I had come to this conclusion, I was standing at the Penang Road, when some one tapped me on the shoulder, and turning round I recognized young Bobi, who had been a junior in ToiletMAN club. The sight of a friendly face in the great wilderness of Penang is a pleasant thing indeed to a lonely man. In old days Bobi had never been a particular crony of mine, but now I hailed him with enthusiasm, and he, in his turn, appeared to be delighted to see me. In the exuberance of my joy, I asked him to lunch with me at the KFC, and we started off together in a hansom.

Debate Mondays: One Vs Many

Welcome to Debate Mondays with me. Today we'll have a debate with myself on the topic "SHOULD A MAN/WOMAN STAY SINGLE UNTIL S/HE MEETS THE ONE, AND MAKE HIS/HER FIRST GIRL/BOYFRIEND HIS/HER HUSBAND/WIFE OR SHOULD A MAN/WOMAN COMMIT INTO A FEW RELATIONSHIP BEFORE MARRYING HIS/HER THE ONE, GNOME SAYIN ("YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING" IN SHORT")

I, your host will introduce to you all the 2 debaters that will participate in this controversial topic. And here is him, the guy in front of the mirror who supports that "the first should be the last", Myself!!!

*Booooo from the audience(s)*

And there comes the other guy behind him, who supports "many first then only last la", Meeee!!!

*Applause*

I: Hullo, hullo welcome, Me and Myself. Please put your buttocks on that fancy hand.

I: Yes, now that Me and Myself and I feels quite at home, I would like to start the debate now. TELL ME, MYSELF! WHY?

Myself (Supports) : Myself will definitely tell Me why. I think it's good for a person to have only one girl/boyfriend because then, there will be no exes from the past that will haunt them. You know? Like, when they go out and do things like they do with their previous relationships, they won't have fancy flashbacks from the past, gnome sayin?

Me (Disagrees) : *fake coughs* buuhh shyeet~

I: No fake coughing in debates. Swearing is wokay.

Me (D): Wokay, anyway Me thinks Myself is talking illogically. If you are out with your current partner and doing coupley stuffs and still think of your past relationship's partners, then there's a problem with you! Am I not, not right, right?

Crowd(s) starts cheering! (Figure 1.2)

Figure 1.2

Myself (S): Definitely a disagreeable statement. Even if you don't have feelings, the thoughts will sometimes come in by itself am I correct?

Me (D): Wokay so? Let the thoughts appear la! As if it's gonna affect your relationship with your current partner.

Myself (S): Wokay nevermind. Let you win this one. But then there's some people who went into many relationships and it all ended badly until s/he is afraid to fall in love anymore and ended up being a monk! See! Bad right!

Me (D): Then that person must be a weak balls. And don't give me bullcrap about people afraid to be in love anymore. Nobody is afraid to be in love. If they say such stuffs, its either to get more attention or they're just weak in the balls.. or watches too much love comedies (especially hollywood ones) . I can tell you now, son of a fish, that no matter how many times a human heart is broken, it will never fail to love again.

I: *sniff* So romantic la Me.

Me (D): And some more, if you marry someone without going thru heartbreak before, then you lost a lot of bed time stories for your children adi. Right or not? And what if your son and daughter went thru heartbreak and you don't understand what their going thru cause you think your so great that you marry your first boyfriend blah blah blah NAHHH! Your children will leave your ass and find a certain handsome guy who interviews himself because he understands what they are going thru. And he is a senstive and a warm man too!!! Just not that tall.

Myself (S): W...wh..WHAT IF THE CHILDREN ALSO MARRIES THEIR FIRST BOYFRIEND!

Me (D): If your son marries his boyfriend, then too bad la. Heh heh.

I: L O L man. L O L.

Myself (S): You totally understand what I'm trying to say. Don't mocketh me.

Me (D): Then lucky you and your fancy kids la! But you think la, with the way kids are having partners in the age of 6 and 7. You think they can stuck to one for so long?

Myself (S): I think..

I: Don't drag me into this.

Me (D): You think whatever you want la. I'm telling you, if you wanna have good topics to discuss with your rebellious daughter or your horny son is to have fancy stories of break ups. And the break up story of your brother will never be as captivating and does not promote parent children bondings.

Myself (S): This damn debate is one sided -"-.. Don't even know why debate it at the first place.

Me (D): Don't get me wrong. I don't mean go mess around and have a lot of girl friends. Stay with one. If its meant to be then its meant to be. If you love your girlfriend and you treat her right and she treats you right, then marry her even if she is your first and last. If you kinda suck as a boyfriend and get dump alot (or you are just made out of 100% pure crap-luck), sure you will end up in more (broken) relationships. And more doesn't mean better. So to be honest, its not debatable.

I: Yes, so who started this crap?! Pisses me off! Beat Myself up!!!!

Myself: What!!?

Happy Chinese New Year 2011