Boom! Just like that.

And then I'm 31.

My mom took this picture of me reacting to my birthday cake (26 Oct 2019)

What can I say? It's kinda depressing to be honest, knowing that I've not achieve much since the last blog post!

In fact I sort of regressed in certain areas. But let me update you (random strangers and my future kids(?)) on my life's progress:

1. I bought an apartment

So with the help of the state government, I finally got a place on my own. But it's quite burdensome to my bank account to be honest. It's currently under renovation and hope to move in some time next year (If I can afford to buy furnitures after paying for the renovations...

Home sweet home

2. That's all folks.

Seriously though. Lemme tell you about the regression part.

1. My PS4 PRO is dead.

Damn my itchy hands! I actually dismantled my PS4 Pro a few times because of jet-engine sounds coming out of the consoles (damn you Sony for making such bad ventilation) and never had an issue. Until I accidentally destroyed the wires connecting to the battery! But wait! My motherboard is spoilt too! But wait again! The optical drive is broken too! But wait! My wallet is broken.

This is my apartment after paying to fix the ps4

2. Lost some friends.

Of course, this is normal once you hit certain age. I've lost some friends. Some of them don't seem interested enough to put any effort to meet up. Some feels like their new friends are more interesting and have more similar interest. Me? I've no new friends. I just lose friends.

3. Saddest part is.

I used to have a girlfriend that is so in love with me and treats me like a king. And for years and years I took it for granted, I didn't give the same attention and love back as much as she gave me. And then one day someone came along and treated her the way she supposed to be treated.

To make it short, we are still together but it's not the same anymore. The dynamics of the relationship had changed. I'm now giving her all the love and attention I could ever muster but.. I think it's a little too late for me.

I used to feel very secure when I was with her. But not anymore. The worst feeling is to say I love you and don't get it in return. Kinda sucks. But karma's a bitch.

So I'm in limbo. It's like being with someone that have no problem leaving anytime. I'm walking on eggshells everyday. Hell, I can't even use social media anymore because it hurts seeing how the "other guy" is still interacting with her.

Shit thing is, I couldn't tell this to anyone. Literally dealing this on my own. Every. Damn. Day.

Honestly world, I missed being loved. I missed being call sweet names. I missed being missed and wanted by someone.

I never knew I can still feel so alone while being in a relationship. It's a hell of a price to pay huh?

I never thought I would say this ever. I used to see my friends getting engaged/married and having kids as a curse. But at the point of my life, I feel kinda pathetic that I'm still the way I am. 

Fking loser deserve it.

Finding Myself - Day 6

What a day with low mood. Somehow I feel humans are selfish assholes. Rarely, I come across people who really put themselves in other fella's shoe before judging them. And a lot of them only comes to you when they need something from you.

Just stuffs that I can see in my own working band. They don't fucking care if you've to play whole night so as long as THEY get the fucking applause and THEY get all the fame and glory. And I'm at the corner smacking my fucking hands off (plus fucking up my backbones every night) and nobody knows I'm there. (Not forgetting looking like a dumbass playing that box)

And the fact that they call you one of the member but you have no say in the band? Well, a middle finger to that. What I am now a damn slave?

Not giving a shit anymore. My heart isn't in there anyway.

My world is just getting uglier day by day. Seriously, stop fucking with me, whoever is controlling this piece of shit land. If there's no need for me, then don't make me wake up when I sleep tonight.

I'M A SERIOUS, DAMMIT!

Finding Myself - Day 5

Today I'm disappointed. But at least I can see a little glimpse of my future.
Today I disappoint my band members and my friends.
It's hard not to hate myself, seriously.
What the hell is wrong with me?

I keep on screwing things up to the point where I think there's some serious retardation inside me.
Are you sure you still need me, Earth?

I wish to be in hallucinations.
Silly dreams and imaginations.

Finding Myself - Day 1

Woke up feeling strange. Like as if I'm on air and feeling empty.

Sat up for a few moments not thinking of anything. Then slowly everything starts to sink back in. And with a heavy heart I sink back to bed. Talked to a Shen on MSN as he is very happy with his new job (due to the fact that his new job is just being online the whole day).

And suddenly, an old friend who has disappeared for a very long time called all the way from Australia. The bastards had been avoiding our msges and calls for a year plus and he can just call in and talk as if nothing had ever happen before. And the worst part is that we talked to him like he just called yesterday as well. Guy friends have a really strange relationship. Especially after more than 10 years of friendship.

Had a good talk. And after lunch I did the weirdest thing ever.

I exercised. No. Not those Wing Chun forms or stuffs like that. I did some serious sit-ups and push ups.

Feeling a little better I bathe and spend some time practicing my smiling skills in front of the mirror. Now the real challenge begin.

First way to look happy is to sing in the car even when you're stuck in a jam. So I sang.

Student came to class. I smile.

Friends came to visit. I smile.

Boss talks to me. I smile.

Student's mom greets. I smile.

Feeling like shit. I smile.

Yup. Congratulation Alwyn. Well done. Now let's continue this good job for the rest of your life.

So I went home, and then some friends (Kenny and Shen) picked me up from my house for dinner. First we went to Time Square and don't see anything that is worth eating.

Then we went to KFC. And after looking for the menu we decided to go McDonald's. For some private reason Shen decided to choose Greenlane's instead of Sunrise's. Ordered a family dinner box and hang out until it was about 9+.

And then we drove around singing in the car. Amazing what breakups can do to people.

Then we went to Coffee Island for a drink and talk. (And some pokemon quizes)

And Kenny drove us to nowhere, and we decided to stay together in an apartment sometime next year. And discussed about the rules and what to buy, who is cooking and what to do in the weekends. This went on for a while.

And then we went to Free School Road to see Kenny eat some dessert. Then we went home.

And then it starts. Suddenly, there's no one there to listen to my rantings about my backached or how spicy the Spicy Chicken McDeluxe is. Or how hungry I am now. And about the plans of moving in together with my friends and the place we wanted to rent. Yup, for the first time in a while now, I have no one to talk to.

Loneliness is a bitch.

And so.

My mission for Day 2:

Fake a smile - A real man doesn't display sadness even if it hurts.

Live alone - A real man will never have the need for companionship.

Finding Myself - Day 0

I fked up.

Today is suppose to be one of the happiest day of my life for finishing 3 months contract with Hard Rock Cafe. But because of my curiosity and my weakness I screwed up my life.

I dream of today many many times 3 months ago. On the last day I would jump on the drum and take an epic picture of me posing with my drum sticks. Then hang out until 3am and go home dancing and singing in my car. And celebrate it with my love.

Instead, I just cleared up my stuffs. Said goodbye to my members and left. And I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks. And give myself a hug and tell myself, "You've done well"

What supposedly is a perfect day is gone just by one mistake. And the crappy part is I deserve this shit. I deserve every pain that is inflicting my chest. I deserve every lost of breath whenever I breathe.

I was told to find myself.

I dunno what is that or how to achieve it. But I think I'm suppose to upgrade myself.

My mission for Day 1:

Fake a smile - A real man doesn't display sadness even if it hurts.